DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE RISK TO YOURSELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES!

THERE IS SOME IMPORTANT INFORMATION CURRENTLY WORTH DISPENSING. IT IS AS FOLLOWS.

ON THE 870th OF APRIL 1601 IN THE SMALL LOGGING TOWN OF NEW YORK, NEW YORK IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT ON CERTAIN DAYS DURING CERTAIN SOLAR AND/OR PLANETARY ALIGNMENTS (COSMIC EVENTS) THAT GREAT WEALTH AND FORTUNE MAY BE ATTAINED BY FOLLOWING SIMPLE RITUALS AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE FOR FREE AND EASY FROM THE COMFORT OF THEIR OWN HOMES. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE STATE OF THE WORLD IN THIS REGARD. THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS RELEVANT INFORMATION CANNOT BE OVERSTATED. IT IS OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE.

IT IS FIRST IMPORTANT THAT THE FOLLOWING MATERIALS ARE ACQUIRED.

  1. SHAVING CREAM
  2. EXPENSIVE JEWELRY
  3. VACUUM CLEANER (LARGE)
  4. 78 RPM RECORDING OF NATIONAL ANTHEM OF FRANCE
  5. PHONOGRAPH SUITABLE FOR PLAYING 78 RPM RECORDINGS
  6. A SENSE OF ADVENTURE


WE WILL EXPLAIN IN DETAIL THE PURPOSE OF EACH ITEM.

1. SHAVING CREAM: SHAVING CREAM IS KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE NATION FOR ITS SUPERNATURAL PROPERTIES. IT IS SAID THAT THE ANCIENT SHAMANS OF HOBOKEN, NEW JERSEY CA. 2001 A.D. WERE THE FIRST TO DISCOVER THIS POWER. IT CAN CURE CANCER. IT CAN CURE INFERTILITY. IT CAN CURE INCONTINENCE. IT CAN CURE DIABETES. IT CAN CURE PSORIASIS. IT IS AN APHRODISIAC.

2. EXPENSIVE JEWELRY: EXPENSIVE JEWELRY IS NEEDED TO BRIBE THE CELESTIAL GATEKEEPER. DO NOT FORGET THE EXPENSIVE JEWELRY.

3. VACUUM CLEANER (LARGE): A GREAT DEAL OF VACUUMING IS REQUIRED IN ORDER TO ACQUIRE THE GREAT WEALTH AND FORTUNE.

4. 78 RPM RECORDING OF NATIONAL ANTHEM OF FRANCE: THE COSMIC MAGNETIC ORGONE RESONANCE OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM OF FRANCE PLAYING AT 78 RPM FROM A PHONOGRAPH IS CO-MORBID WITH THE SIMULTANEOUS INVERSION OF THE HUMILIATION CENTER OF THE BRAIN, OF WHICH A MERE 0.00000000001 PERCENT IS USED. THE REMAINING 99.99999999999 PERCENT IS UNUSED AND THUS MUST BE TAPPED PSYCHICALLY IN ORDER TO ATTAIN THE 'FUGUE STATE' AND/OR THE 'TRANCE' WHICH ALLOWS THE OUT-OF-BODY TRANSMUTATION OF EXTERIOR RESONANCE DISPERSAL TO OCCUR; NAMELY, THE PSEUDO-KINETIC SOUL "GAS" IS CAUGHT UP IN THE VIBRATION OF THE AIR AND CAUSES LOGARITHMIC CHAKRA COLLAPSE AT THE VORTEX MELTING POINT CONFLUX.

5. PHONOGRAPH SUITABLE FOR PLAYING 78 RPM RECORDINGS: THIS IS FOR PLAYING THE RECORD. DISCUSSED IN POINT FOUR.

6. A SENSE OF ADVENTURE: IT IS A MATTER OF WILL, NOT ABILITY.

O go keg on skunk hog ego! Seek queen squeegee; swoosh nooses - oh so unhusken! Egg ekes gong eggs, unknown hook keno o' shoguns on honk week. Snowshoes swoosh newness. Gessoes unhouse snug sheen. Keen nook hunk; Go "Oh-ho!", gouge on hooks. Seek hose. So hoe gee eke hook, oho oho oho! Ooh! he eke he!
FOREGOES EXPLANATION WETHINKS NOT. STEP ONE IS AS FOLLOWS -----------------> STEP ONE

ON THE 988TH OF JULY FIREWORKS CELEBRATION HELD ANNUALLY IN THE 'BIG CITY', THERE IS A FIFTEEN MINUTE WINDOW IN WHICH CERTAIN ARCANE MEGAFAUNA MAY BE SUMMONED. CONSIDER FOR A MOMENT THE FOLLOWING: THE FORCE OF A FIREWORKS EXPLOSION IS PROFOUND. IT IS BRIGHT AND SHINY AND ELEVATED ABOVE THE EARTH A SPECIFIC DISTANCE BEFORE DETONATION. YOU WILL KNOW THE TIME INTUITIVELY. IT IS THE MOMENT WHEN YOU FEEL IT IS THE MOMENT.

USE SHAVING CREAM TO ENSCRIBE UPON THE EARTH A 'HAIRLESSNESS CIRCLE'. STEP INTO AND OUT OF THE CIRCLE SEVENTY-SEVEN TIMES, PAUSING FOR THREE SECONDS EVERY SEVENTH INTERVAL. SPEAK THE HOLY WORDS, OR AT LEAST THINK THEM VERY LOUDLY:

i am a small tornado. i am a small tornado. i am a small tornado. unexplained by meteorology; nonetheless potent and full of destruction. it is hour our of knead: washing my hands is of extreme importance. my twisty winds blow like a thousand telephone wires crushed under juicy kookaburra whistles. befix your anticipate! i befix! i befix!


SO CONCLUDES THE FIRST STEP. STEP TWO

IF THE RITUAL THUS FAR HAS BEEN COMPLETED, ON THE SEVENTY-SEVENTH STEP, ALL YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUT INSTANTLY. PLUG THE VACUUM CLEANER INTO A NEARBY WALL OUTLET (120 V AC MINIMUM). BE SURE TO USE A FRESH VACUUM BAG. BAGLESS VACUUMS ARE DISALLOWED. VACUUM UP ALL YOUR HAIR AND REMOVE THE BAG. EMPTY THE HAIR INTO THE CIRCLE. REPLACE THE BAG. VACUUM THE HAIR UP ONCE AGAIN. REMOVE THE BAG. EMPTY THE HAIR OUTSIDE OF THE CIRCLE. REPLACE THE BAG. VACUUM THE HAIR UP FOR A THIRD TIME. REPEAT THIS PROCESS TEN TIMES INSIDE AND TEN TIMES OUTSIDE THE CONFINES OF THE CIRCLE. RECITE ANOTHER SET OF HOLY WORDS:

O beasts of holy displeasure. O fastidious gatekeeper. O ye of the protracted hitherto besmirched anonymity; grant entrance to the other side of the dimension, please! Pretty please! Pretty please with a cherry on top! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!


SO CONCLUDES THE SECOND STEP. STEP THREE

THERE IS A SOUND WHICH ERUPTS FROM THE CENTER OF THE CIRCLE. IT IS THE CELESTIAL GATEKEEPER. HE IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL. AS HE LIFTS HIS ALABASTER SCEPTER HE WILL ASK YOU A QUESTION. NOBODY KNOWS THE TRUE QUESTION UNTIL THEY HAVE HEARD IT IN PERSON. THE ANSWER: ONLY YOU KNOW THE ANSWER. THE GATEKEEPER WILL ONLY ASK A QUESTION WHICH YOU PERSONALLY KNOW AND ONLY YOU NOBODY ELSE MAY ANSWER IT. IF YOU GET IT WRONG YOU ARE BANISHED FROM THE BETTER HALF OF THE UNIVERSE/DIMENSION FOR ALL ETERNITY.
YOU WILL ENCOUNTER THE CELESTIAL GATEKEEPER. THE GATES WILL OPEN IN DUE TIME. GIVE THE CELESTIAL GATEKEEPER YOUR JEWELRY AND VACUUM THE CELESTIAL GATEKEEPER'S LUXURIOUS COLLECTION OF DUSTY CARPETS. NOTE: DO NOT FORGET THE 78 RPM RECORD OF THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM AND DO NOT FORGET THE PHONOGRAPH, I FORGOT IT MY FIRST TIME AND HAD TO WAIT AN ENTIRE YEAR TO TRY THE PROCESS AGAIN AND IT WAS VERY FRUSTRATING.

SO CONCLUDES THE THIRD STEP. STEP FOUR

you are lost in the woods. you are lost in the woods. music plays softly in the distance. you cannot tell where it is coming from. it is dark. there is not much time before morning.
pay close attention to the room. it is not a familiar room.

> go north
You head north toward where you think the music may be. It is a long walk.
You head to the north through the trees for a few meters, but after a short while you encounter is a deep grove of bushes, dense and impenetrable. You will need to find a way to cut them down.


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There is music. It is not sad music. It is not happy music. It is merely peaceful music. Music like a babbling brook. A phonograph rests on a table in a clearing. You cannot see any electrical cables.

Where have they all gone? You search through your bag. It isn't here. You need something to cut down the bushes.

You remove your shoes. You have accidentally stepped on a large shard of obsidian. Your foot is bleeding. This will not do. The mayor is here to greet you. "Welcome to our humble city; the greatest city in the world!" says the mayor.