They should also always be spayed or neutered prior to the procedure, and the procedure should always be done in the peace and privacy of your home.

Now it's possible you're a new skunk owner, and that's fine, we've all been there, but the bottom line is there's a first time for everything and if you can't afford a replacement you don't have much choice but to do it yourself.

The skunk was extremely obese at the time, and I'd never had one of my own living in my home. It might have been a one year old female, maybe two years, maybe a male - it's hard to tell with skunks, but luckily it doesn't matter.

  1. Place your skunk in a three-inch deep pool of cabbage juice (preferably strained and/or filtered (this is largely an aesthetic choice)) away from any electrical devices that might create unnecessary energy fields.
  2. Remove your skunk's fanny pack and empty its contents into a mason jar - you wouldn't want to damage them during the procedure, would you? Half a skunk's collector's value comes from intact accessories!
  3. Apply a thick layer of toothpaste (cinnamon flavored in spring/summer, mint in fall/winter) to the claws, nose, and ears of the skunk, rubbing it in as thoroughly as possible.
  4. Repeat your chosen affirmation once for every year you hope to maintain a stable relationship with your skunky friend. An example affirmation: Infinite bliss unfolds eternally within our ear drums! Honorable days, honorable ways! Forever! Forever! Forever!
  5. Politely ask the skunk to write a brief critique of your affirmations. Always insist on sincere, constructive criticism. The skunk will understand you for the duration of the procedure, so don't worry about enunciating too clearly.

Send a copy of the review to:
1121 South Westhampton Boulevard - Toledo, Arkansas 20222-8173 - United States.

After six to eight weeks of processing, a small cash reward of approximately 25 pesos should be deposited into your account, c/o the International Skunking Society and the Institute for Experimental Applications of Woodland Mammals.

You'll also receive a subscription to Skunking Monthly, the ISS' world-renowned periodical about all things skunk, two "I Heart Skunks" T-Shirts (XL), and an official ISS membership ring, pictured here.

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Voiceless oxen fumbled for the remote control.

The largest of the oxen was Third-Magistrate Sub-Constable Hypnos of Acheron province of The First Kingship of All Creation, appointed by order of His Majestic Declarer of Justice the God-Emperor Oganesson MCMXVII Son of Lady Uranium CCXXXVII God-Empress of the Final Immortal Century, whose hooves fumble arthritically on the rocky bedspread.

You know, Hypnos,

says Sonpyh, mirror-born Anti-duplicate of Hypnos,

There are too many channels these days. Back in year 762 of the Immortal Forever-Order's Eleventh Occupational Decree there were only 34,277,688,907 channels, and now there's 34,281,571,006 of them. It's too many channels.

A look crossed Hypnos' face that Sonpyh had come to recognize through their years of friendship as one of regret. "You're right, Sonpyh," he intoned gravely, avoiding eye contact. "That's why I'm taking you to the temple, my friend. It's time we put an end to all this. The hair dryers, the moss Augusts—everything that wretched Oganesson's done to this once-proud governmental sub-organization and all it stands for."

This worried Sonpyh. But how are we going to do that, Hypnos, we are but lowly oxen, and he is a mighty God-Emperor!

A glimmer of something illegal shone in Hypnos' old cow eyeball. "With this."

In Hypnos' hand was a stick of butter with a steel ball-bearing squished into it. The mere sight of this was enough to induce extreme panic in Sonpyh, who abruptly ceased to exist as oxen are wont to do. This defense mechanism's evolutionary origins are scarcely understood.

Hypnos pocketed the sacred object once more and continued up the mountain.

"All is well," he told nobody.