Thirty-seven Dishonesties

<span class="heading">37 Dishonesties</span> an omnivore's guide to Human Decency<hr>Part IX: [[The Pernicious Motion-Detector's Indigo Toggle-Varnish|01]] <hr>(set: $foot to 1)(set: $flindow to 0)(set: $money to 0)(set: $inv to false)(set: $pickrole to "beloved wife")(set: $pickstate to "weave a basket from my collection of historically-significant reeds")(set: $pickdecision to "construct a luxury hotel somewhere in the magnetosphere")(set: $pickdecisionB to "graft a series of mysterious metallic devices to your body which block numerous important bodily functions and can only be removed by solving a long series of highly complex, increasingly illogical puzzles")(set: $sincere to "Sincerely,")(set: $tele1 to "")(set: $tele2 to "")(set: $tele3 to "")(set: $tele4 to "")(set: $tele5 to "")(set: $tele6 to "")(set: $tele7 to "")(set: $tele8 to "")(set: $tele9 to "")(set: $tele10 to "")(set: $tele11 to "")(set: $tele12 to "")(set: $tele13 to "")(set: $tele14 to "")(set: $tele15 to "")(set: $tele16 to "")(set: $tele17 to "")(set: $tele18 to "")(set: $tele19 to "")(set: $tele20 to "")

It's October 55rd(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')] the Year of Our Lord Ninteteen-hundred-seventy-seventy-seven. In accordance with the necessary preordinances you breathe a sigh of relief. The glass spaghetti willn't trouble you any longer. But [[something is amiss.|02]] <span style="opacity:0;">(link:"test link remove soon")[(set: $money to ($money + 10000))(goto: "shop")]</span>

concerning the flock of flamingoes: it's the best I could do on short notice, friend. Perhaps some vultures next time, if the budget allows. But for now the flamingoes are the best I can do.

There's a knock on the [[door]] [[window]] [[floor]] [[flindow]]

<img src="https://web.archive.org/web/20091027001236/http://ca.geocities.com/wltenants/pictures/1030.jpg">YOU LISTEN CLOSELY "tap, tap, tap, tap," IT IS INDEED COMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. WHAT DO YOU DO? [[open the door]] [[close the door]] [[ignore it]]

You gaze out the window longingly. It is currently closed. XXXXXXXXX X   X   X X   X   X XXXXXXXXX X   X   X X   X   X XXXXXXXXX [[open the window]] [[close the window]] [[minimize the window]] [[maximize the window]]

Some months prior you had found yourself in a similar situation, whereby the floor as opposed to the door or the window had been the unsuspecting receptor of a series of knockings. You sought after your trusty [[crowbar]] and got to work un-floorboarding the floor.

There is no such thing as a flindow(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')].(set: $flindow to $flindow + 1) This is your [[final warning|02]].\ \ (if: $flindow > 1)[Go away] (if: $flindow > 2)[Go away (if: $flindow > 4)[Go away (if: $flindow > 6)['flindow' counter: "Congratulations, you've visited teh flindow $flindow times" (if: $flindow > 8)[Go away (if: $flindow > 9)[Go away (if: $flindow > 12)[Go away (if: $flindow > 15)[Go away (if: $flindow > 30)[persistence has its rewards: (if: $flindow > 60)[reward (if: $flindow > 120)[reward (if: $flindow > 240)[reward(if: $flindow >241)[ you realize that when the counter was at exactly 97 there was an actual reward right(if: $flindow >500)[ whoops did i say 97 i meant 92 sorry]]]]]]]]]]]]](if: $flindow > 91 and < 93)[look an [[actual reward]]]

The door isn't opening. The reason it's not opening is that the handle is completely jammed.(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')] This situation reminds you of a [[formative moment]] from your childhood, let's see what that's all about now, hmm

You re-close the closed door. Tap ptapt ptap tap tpa tap the tappign continued, you knew that sound well, too. It increased your fury, as the beating of a [[drum]] stimulates the soldier into courage.

YOU ARE [[NOT ALLOWED TO IGNORE THIS|door]]. NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN THIS IMPORTANT.(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')]

once again, the flamingoes, my sincerest apologies-- i hope you understand that despite your disappointment it's not like i didn't make sacrifices getting a hold of these flamingoes, you know, you can't just write all that effort off, it was hard work, really

It was July 77nd 1874 on a beautiful spring afternoon in the [[shade]] of a great big beautiful [[Hawthorne tree]]. Tomorrow was your [[birthday]] and you were oh so very excited, I tell you what.

<sup>[[($foot)|footnote]]</sup>

<div class="aside">\ \(if: $foot is 1)[(display: "foot1")]\ \(if: $foot is 2)[(display: "foot2")]\ \(if: $foot is 3)[(display: "foot3")]\ \(if: $foot is 4)[(display: "foot4")]\ \(if: $foot is 5)[(display: "foot5")]\ \(if: $foot is 6)[(display: "foot6")]\ \(if: $foot is 7)[(display: "foot7")]\ \(if: $foot is 8)[(display: "foot8")]\ \(if: $foot is 9)[(display: "foot9")]\ \(if: $foot is 10)[(display: "foot10")]\ (link: "<---------")[(set: $foot to $foot + 1)(goto: (history: )'s last)]</div>

<audio autoplay loop><source src="bg02.ogg" type="audio/ogg"></audio> (if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')]

You successfuly open the window. It is currently closed. XXXXXXXXX X   X   X X   X   X XXXXXXXXX X   X   X X   X   X XXXXXXXXX The tapping continues: "Tap, tap, tap, tap" said [[the tapping|window]].

Nothing happens. The window is already closed. XXXXXXXXX X   X   X X   X   X XXXXXXXXX X   X   X X   X   X XXXXXXXXX this [[window]] is most(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')] problematic.

You minimize the window to get a look at the rest of your desktop. XXXXX X X X XXXXX X X X XXXXX The desktop allows you the freedom to choose numerous options. For a better understanding of the desktop's function, consider the following instructional film: <iframe width="640" height="480" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/blm3E44iD5s?autoplay=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Outside are a million tiny stars (either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>')(either: ' ', '★', '<br>') How [[boring]].

<u>Discolouration</u> Discolouration is a sign of mold. However, all discolouration is not due to mold. Carpeting near baseboards, for example, can be stained by outdoor pollution entering the home. Stains or soot(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')] may also be caused by the smoke from burning candles or cigarette. Mold may be any colour : [[black]], [[white]], [[red]], [[orange]], [[yellow]], [[blue]] or [[violet]]. Dab a drop of household bleach onto a suspected spot. If the stain loses its colour or disappears, it may be mold. If there is no change, it probably isn’t mold.

<ol><li>As Midnight<ul><li>on a moonless night</li></ul></li>\ <li>hole</li>\ <li>, pot, the, called kettle, the</li>\ <li>widow</li>\ <li>Gold, Texas Tea, a bubbling brew</li>\ <li>magic</li>\ </ol>

It's only through windows that one can see the outdoors from the indoors. Doors are a type of window. Windows are a type of window. Bullet holes are windows. Collapsed walls are windows. Windows are a type of window. If you were a window, what type would you be? [[window]] [[winodw]] [[mopuim]] [[widnow]] [[wnidow]]

In the third week of last month (september) in a small mining town 37 miles south of the US-Cuba border in a small brick shed situated at the geometric center of a large wildlife reserve there came a knock at the door: "Knock, knock", said the knock. "Who's there," Replied the knock-hearer, startled awake after several months of sleeping facilitated previously by a pervasive environment of absolute uninterrupted silence "Pizza," the knock said. "It's been a while since you ordered but, you know, we dont like to disappoint,, the ,um, customers, at dominios [[pizza corporation]],"

Which shade of orange, though <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: orange; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[orange|orange_1]]' <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: orangered; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[orangered|orange_2]]' <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: darkorange; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[darkorange|orange_3]]' <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: coral; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[coral|orange_4]]' <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: tomato; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[tomato|orange_5]]' <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: SandyBrown; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[SandyBrown|orange_6]]' <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: Chocolate; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[Chocolate|orange_7]]' <div style="width: 150px; height: 150px; background: Peru; padding: 10px; display: inline-block;"></div> '[[Peru|orange_8]]' those last three look orange against a white background, honest

What are you talking about, like you'd even be able to see the yellow on a yellow background, ridiculous (set: $yellow to 0000) unless that's the point you're trying to make is that the point? [[yes,|yellow_02]] that is the point [[no,|boring]] that isn't the point

It was a few years ago now that the evil emperor of earth banned [[the color blue]] in all its forms

violets are a beautiful but also deadly and toxic flower available for purchase in nine designer colors today: [[chartreuse]] [[yellow]] [[pink]] [[purple]] [[white]] [[chameleon]] [[mauve]] [[brown but with a fancy expensive sounding name]] [[blue]]

(if: $crowbar is false)[You can't remember where you put that crowbar. It will probably come in useful sometime soon. If only you knew where it was. "Well, gang - looks like we've got another [[mystery|02]] on our hands," you said out loud to nobody.](if: $crowbar is true)[Oh that's right, the crowbar, you left it in the bathroom. Silly you. You head on over to the bathroom to snag the crowbar]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

<img src="markers.jpg">You consider for a moment the mopuim. The venetian blinds, cracked and yellowed by the sun. You write a word on the third blind thing from the bottom with a permanent marker. use the [[red]] marker use the [[orange]] marker use the [[green]] marker use the [[violent]] marker use the [[blue]] marker use the [[yellow]] marker use the [[black]] marker use the [[brown]] marker

<img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"><img src="peepsbg.png" style="padding: 0; margin: 0; float: right;"> XXXXXXX X  X  X XXXXXXX X  X  X XXXXXXX there are lots of people here looking out the [[wnindow]]

'wnidow' is the word '[[window]]' spelled incorrectly.

As you pondered colors and continually failed to address a mysterious knocking noise meanwhile in a distant land deep within an enchanted forest two ice picks were engaged in a lengthy argument the subject of which wasn't immediately clear "You can't keep doing this, Paul," the first ice pick complained to the second. [["It's not right."]]

The world is full of [[peace]] just as it is full of [[violence]]. The thing about [[violence]] that's important to remember is that it is all-encompassing and inescapable so long as the [[hegemonic tendrils]] of global capitalism subjugate us all

You stare at the word you wrote in brown ink and immediately accidentally smudge it with your hand. It is very ugly now. You tell yourself, you've ruined the blinds you jerk and then how you have to replace them before you can look out the [[window]] again, i'm sorry but those are the rules I didn't write them

On the other side of the wnindow there doesn't appear to be anything at all. The tapping continues but you're staring straight at the glass and there's nothing there. Then you hear [[something else|wnindow_02]].

<ol><li>"I'll do as I please, Paul" the [[second]] icepick replied</li>\ <li>"I'll do as I please, Paul,," the [[sedonc]] icepick replied</li>\ <li>"I'll dew a sigh pleasepaul" the [[sedonicic]] picle relied</li></ol>

"I'm sorry, Teresa. This is my life now. I can't help it."   "That's the same thing you always say" "Because it's true"   "Yes but that doesn't make it a good excuse" "That is also true" Paul knew it wasn't a good excuse and he knew that he could only make it a few more times before it started working 0% of the time instead of 0.03% of the time. Teresa knew this, too. She also knew [[what she had to do next|icepick_01]].

"I'm sorry, Terssesa. This is my liffe now. I can't help it."   "That's the same thing you aleays say" "Beca us it's true"   "Yes but that does n't make it a good excuse" "Thatis alfso true" Paul kneqw it wasn't a good excuse and he knew that he could only make it a few more times before it started worfking )% of the time instead of 0,035 of t e time. Teresa knew this, too. she also knew [[what she had to do nezt|icepick_01]].

"'''''I'm sofrry, Terssesa. Thisf is my liffe now. I can't help it."   "That's thehe samee thing you aleays say" "Beca us it's true"   "Yes but that doe s n't emake it a gopd excuse" "Thstis alfso erue '" {aul kneqw it was n't a good e xcuse and he , knew that ehe could only make it a fewe more times before it star ted wo rfking ) % of the time instead oef 0,035 of t e time. Teresa knew this, too. she also kn ew [[what she had to d o nxxeztxtezt|icepick_01]].

I was watching a film about flamingoes actually and did you know the reason they're pink is because of how they eat so much shrimp i don't like shrimp personally, well actually i haven't tried it i just thought it looked gross i want a pet shrimp

The knock-hearer was surprised and didn't remember ordering a pizza from dominoos pizza corporation at any point in the past several months or even at any point before that even "I didn't order, a pizza" they said "Oh, my mistake" replied the knock, adding though "but it was more than 30 minutes, so if you want it it is free, you dont. need to pay for it" They decided to [[eat]] the pizza They decided to [[not eat]] it

"Okay i'll just leave it on the doorstep then"they said and then left it on the doorstep and a donmios pizza corporation pizza deliveries maker vehicle was heard not starting three times and then starting and driving away The knock-hearer listened closely as the vehicles sound faded into ambient nature noise thus ensuring that the pizza-deliverer had arrived on the far side of the valley where the knock-hearer could rest assured they would not be seen by anyone when they opeend the door and could thus retain their [[privacy]] which they so dearly cherished. "Time to eat for the first time in probably four months or longer!" they said.

I'm sorry but I'm allergic to pizza they said Oh thats too bad, pizza is one of the greatest foods replied the knocker I know i've heard all about it it really is a shame they replied Well I'll leave it on the doorstep anyway, it'll stink up the car probably and you know maybe a coyote can eat it or something the knocker said in response sounds good said the knock hearing person the knock-hearing person was [[lying|eat]]

<div style="text-align: center; font-size: 128px; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; font-family: serif; position: fixed; top: 30%; left: 20%; animation: shudder 5s linear 0s infinite;">[[Meanwhile...]]</div>

...[[two flamingoes]] are playing chess ...[[an ant]] is walking away from some bread crumbs ...[[a poorly-fleshed out character]] is added to a script at the last second so they can technically refer to it as an 'ensemble piece' ...[[you]] stare at the floor of your apartment

   "Knight to G7" "Pawn to G4"    "Queen takes bishop" "Check"    "Knight to F3" "Pawn to C5"    "Rook takes Knight" "Queen to D6"    "Checkmate" The flamingo on the left is [[fuming]]. The flamingo on the right wears a smug [[grin]].

Ant #074289678926781392 was doing her morning rounds and had come across some breadcrumbs, wonderful wonderful breadcrumbs! You must inform the colony! Tell them the good news! But she's had another idea on top of that one. What if she [[didn't|ant02]]?

a poorly-fleshed out twine passage pops up on your screen. it's not very interesting but it has some funny text options on it that seem like they might lead to something more coherent The [[vibrant octopus]] interrupts your [[sebaceous repose]]. The sound of gulls grows in volume exponentially the longer you wait.

There are three things you're planning on doing today: <ol><li>Washing the [[dishes]]</li><li>Listening to a [[podcast]]</li><li>Drinking [[a cup of tea]]</li></ol> But There's A Small Problem: the knocking that's coming from [[under the floorboards]].

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You've been having trouble washing the dishes lately as starting last month (august) the faucet's hot water pressure has been extremely low. It's your esteemed opinion, as you once told a dear close friend, and I quote, that: "To warsh [sic] dishes in unhot water is generally unwise, as suitably heated water aids in the genocide of dish bacteria" You're not wrong but you're not very nice to people when you're right about things. This is why your dear close friend is now your dear close [[enemy|you]].

New episodes of 'cooking spaghetti with pals' are released every wednesday and you've yet to miss an episode. It's an extrememly interesting podcast if your only interests are spaghetti and the act of cooking it. The pals in question are not your actual pals but listening to them talk and be [[friendly about spaghetti|you]] almost makes it feel like they're your pals too. You neglect to reflect upon this relationship vis a vis your various dependency issues.

you keep the tea in a secret compartment. It can only be opened by entering the correct four-digit code in a security console attached to the cupboard

"You've cheated again, you jerk"    "I have not" "Explain how you're winning then, I am the better flamingo chess player here and my losing is extremely unlikely as I have never lost before this particular game"    "It is simple: I have made up some additional rules I have not told you about. The rules apply to you too so it is not cheating" "Well what are the rules then"    "[[I shall explain in detail]]"

This flamingo is grinning because he knows [[the truth]].

It's at this point that the author remembered that they were being derivative and stopped what they were writing. <a href="http://interconnected.org/home/more/2007/03/acacia-seeds.html" target="_blank">A story to the same effect</a> would be completed later by a much more capable author. In the meantime, you had [[business]] to attend to.

You're at work at your terrible job. Another caller is on the line. [[answer the call]]

<img src="octo.jpg" class="hueshift">"Oooo" says the audience. "Ahhhh" says the audience. This is [[disappointing]], says you.

Inasmuch as the gulls are concerned, nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Don't worry, though, birds are always like that. Anyway, as I was saying, You had been sleeping for some time when the vibrant octopus flopped out of his hatch in the ceiling and landed directly on your face with a soggy 'pfthpt'. [[Welp, that's the last time I'll be caught sleeping under the octopus hatch|octopus_01]], you lied

Double-click this passage to edit it.

It's another tapping, elsewhere in the palace. Check the [[dining room]] Check the [[living room]] Check the [[kitchen]] Check the [[bathroom]] Check the [[basement]] Check the [[laundry room]] Check the [[shed]] Check the [[back yard]] Check the [[front yard]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_02]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_03]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_04]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_05]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_06]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_07]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_08]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_09]] Check the [[bathroom|bathroom_10]] Check the [[hallway]] Check the [[garden]] Check the [[bedroom]]

you don't bother checking the dining room because it's completely soundproofed as per the [[landlord]]'s orders [[somewhere else probably|wnindow_02]]

You forgot to [[feed the living room]], so it's a dead room now. [[at least the TV still works|wnindow_02]]

While you're here you think it might be a good idea to grab a few cans of canned lima beans in heavy syrup, your [[favorite food]].

(set: $bathroom to 0)(display: "bathroom_core")

Double-click this passage to edit it.

The laundry room's flooded again. [[And it's quiet as a tomb.|wnindow_02]]

The shed is completely filled with bricks. No sound gets in or [[out|wnindow_02]].

Double-click this passage to edit it.

(set: $bathroom to 0)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to $bathroom + 3)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to 0)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to $bathroom - 1)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to $bathroom + 2)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to 0)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to $bathroom - 2)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to 0)(display: "bathroom_core")

(set: $bathroom to $bathroom + 1)(display: "bathroom_core")

Double-click this passage to edit it.

(if: $bathroom < 0)[(set: $bathroom to 0)](if: $bathroom is 0)[\ \This isn't the bathroom. Where in the world is the bathroom in this house? You know you saw the bathroom around here [[somewhere|wnindow_02]], you use it at least once a month.]\ \(if: $bathroom is 1)[\ \This isn't the bathroom but you think you're getting closer. It's bound to be around here [[somewhere|wnindow_02]], right?]\ \(if: $bathroom is 2)[\ \This isn't the bathroom(if: $money is 0)[ but there's a penny on the floor. (link: "Pick up the penny")[(set: $money to $money + 0.01)(goto: "wnindow_02")] and look elsewhere]. (if: $money > 0)[It's a [[shame|wnindow_02]].]]\ \(if: $bathroom is 3)[\ \There are SO MANY ROOMS in your house but so FEW of them are [[bathrooms|wnindow_02]]!]\ \(if: $bathroom >= 4)[\ \Ah, finally, the bathroom. [[Nope the tapping's not here what a shame|wnindow_02]]]

(if: $money > 0)[(if: $inv is false)[<div style="position: fixed; background: black; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; bottom: 0; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">Finances: $(print: $money.toFixed(2)) (link:"(details)")[(set: $inv to true)(goto: 'inventory')</div>](if: $icosahedron is true)[<div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 32px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">1: (if: $tele1 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele1 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele1 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele1)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele1 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]]</div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 48px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">2: (if: $tele2 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele2 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele2 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele2)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele2 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 64px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">3: (if: $tele3 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele3 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele3 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele3)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele3 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 80px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">4: (if: $tele4 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele4 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele4 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele4)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele4 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 96px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">5: (if: $tele5 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele5 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele5 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele5)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele5 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 112px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">6: (if: $tele6 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele6 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele6 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele6)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele6 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 128px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">7: (if: $tele7 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele7 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele7 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele7)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele7 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 144px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">8: (if: $tele8 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele8 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele8 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele8)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele8 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 160px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">9: (if: $tele9 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele9 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele9 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele9)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele9 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 176px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">10: (if: $tele10 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele10 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele10 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele10)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele10 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 192px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">11: (if: $tele11 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele11 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele11 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele11)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele11 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]]</div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 208px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">12: (if: $tele12 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele12 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele12 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele12)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele12 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 224px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">13: (if: $tele13 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele13 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele13 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele13)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele13 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 240px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">14: (if: $tele14 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele14 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele14 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele14)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele14 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 256px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">15: (if: $tele15 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele15 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele15 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele15)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele15 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 272px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">16: (if: $tele16 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele16 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele16 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele16)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele16 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 288px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">17: (if: $tele17 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele17 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele17 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele17)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele17 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 304px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">18: (if: $tele18 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele18 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele18 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele18)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele18 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 320px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">19: (if: $tele19 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele19 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele19 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele19)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele19 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div><div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 336px; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">20: (if: $tele20 is "")[(link: "set destination")[(set: $tele20 to (passage: )'s name)saved!]](if: $tele20 is not "")[(link:"return")[(goto: $tele20)] (link: "(forget)")[(set: $tele20 to "")(goto: (passage: )'s name)]] </div>]]]

(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) is 0)[<div style="padding: 20px; margin: 10px; border: 1px dotted plum; margin-top:-5vh;"><i>A Message from the Management</i>    Welcome to your INVENTORY. The inventory is an oral hygiene instrument used to clean the teeth, gums, and tongue. It consists of a head of tightly clustered bristles mounted on a handle which facilitates the cleaning of hard to reach areas of the mouth.    Inventories are available with different bristle textures, sizes, and forms. Most dentists recommend using a soft inventory since hard bristled inventories can damage tooth enamel and irritate the gums. Love, the Management</div><br><br>]<h1 style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: italic; text-decoration: underline;">Inventory</h1><script type="text/javascript"> audio.invmus.play(); audio.invmus.fade(0,0.7, 2000);</script> Finances: $$money <img src="kills.png" style="vertical-align: middle; display: inline-block; float: none; padding: 0; margin: 0;"> $kills% <img src="items.png" style="vertical-align: middle; display: inline-block; float: none; padding: 0; margin: 0;"> $items% <img src="secret.png" style="vertical-align: middle; display: inline-block; float: none; padding: 0; margin: 0;"> $secret% Current Finance Rating™: (if: $money <= 0.50)[Dirt Poor](if: $money > 0.50 and <= 5.00)[Regular Poor](if: $money > 5.00 and <= 50.00)[Proletarian](if: $money > 500.00 and <= 5000.00)[Petit Bourgeois](if: $money > 5000.00 and <= 50000.00)[Bourgeois Scum](if: $money > 50000.00 and <= 500000.00)[Bourgeois Super-Scum](if: $money > 500000.00)[First Against the Wall] { <table style="width: 100%;" border="1" cellpadding="9"> <tbody><tr><td>(if: $communicator is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="communicator.png">Communicator<span class="tooltiptext">This device allows you to communicate with all manner of living and non-living entities. The exact nature of its function has yet to be explained by science.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $carkeys is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="carkeys.png">Car Key<span class="tooltiptext">The key(s) to your car, including one of those button things that makes the alarm go off.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $pigeon is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="pigeon.png">Pigeon<span class="tooltiptext">A pigeon.</span></div>]</td> </tr> <tr> <td>(if: $pineapple is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="pineapple.png">Pineapple<span class="tooltiptext">This looks like a pineapple but upon closer examination it appears to be some kind of tracking device, emitting high-pitched beeps every few seconds.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $crowbar is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="crowbar.png">Crowbar<span class="tooltiptext">This crowbar's been in your family for generations. A weird disembodied arm is attached to it but you're used to that by now.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $emoji is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="emoji.png">Upside-down emoji<span class="tooltiptext">Generally speaking, the upside-down emoji delineates a sense of ironic, self-deprecating amusement regarding one's frustration with something.</span></div>]</td> </tr> <tr> <td>(if: $rope is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="rope.png">Rope<span class="tooltiptext">A strong, thick line. About 45 feet in length.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $camera is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="camera.png">Camera<span class="tooltiptext">It's a Minolta. It will never run out of film because it's magic. A 'Magic Minolta', if you will.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $spaghetti is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="spaghetti.png">Lockpicks<span class="tooltiptext">These may look, taste, and smell exactly like sticks of uncooked spaghetti. But they aren't spaghetti, they're lockpicks. </span></div>]</td> </tr> <tr> <td>(if: $earth is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="earth.png">Earth<span class="tooltiptext">Earth is the third planet from the Earth's sun. It's mostly a bunch of water. Nothing worth writing home about if you ask me.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $whistle is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="whistle.png">Whistle<span class="tooltiptext">A simple metal whistle. Blowing into it causes quite a racket.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $3dglasses is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="3dglasses.png">3D glasses<span class="tooltiptext">These glasses allow the wearer to see in three dimensions instead of the usual two.</span></div>]</td> </tr> <tr> <td>(if: $dagger is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="dagger.png">Dagger<span class="tooltiptext">Good for stabbin'.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $postertack is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="postertack.png">Poster Tack<span class="tooltiptext">Sticky gunk that you tear off and smush between walls and large sheets of paper. Maybe useful in other ways too, hint hint this will be useful later</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $kitchentimer is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="kitchentimer.png">Kitchen Timer<span class="tooltiptext">A kitchen timer, can remind you to do things up to an hour in the future.</span></div>]</td> </tr> <tr> <td>(if: $emeralds is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="greenemeralds.png">Emeralds<span class="tooltiptext">Here in your hands rests the true source of Count Blackwood's power, the emeralds bewitched centuries ago in the same dark ritual which set you on your terrible quest in the first place. <i>It's time to end this</i>.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $auxcable is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="auxcable.png">Aux Cable<span class="tooltiptext">You can use this to listen to music in the car, very handy</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $canopener is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="canopener.png">Can Opener<span class="tooltiptext">An old-fashioned can opener that you bought for a nickel at a yard sale.</span></div>]</td> </tr> <tr> <td>(if: $numpad is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="numpad.png">Numpad<span class="tooltiptext">A portable numpad, allows the entry of numbers into number-requiring things.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $icosahedron is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="icosahedron.png">Icosahedron<span class="tooltiptext">This thing somehow allows you to "save" and then 'tele'-port to up to 20 different 'locations'. It's both extremely useful and incomprehensibly terrifying.</span></div>]</td> <td>(if: $pixel is true)[<div class="tooltip"><img src="pixel.png">Pixel<span class="tooltiptext">A fundamental unit of reality itself. Too small to touch and probably useless.</span></div>]</td> </tr> </tbody>} </table> <br> Hover over Inventory Items for descriptions<br><br>(link: "Return")[(set: $inv to false)Returning...<script type="text/javascript"> audio.invmus.fade(0.7,0, 2000); </script>(live: 2s)[<script type="text/javascript">audio.invmus.pause();</script>(goto: (history:)'s last)]]

This was an unusual shade to be sure, considering the tree's myriad otherworldly properties. While the tree could cast shadows it could not recieve them, remaining uniformly lit at all times, even at night, and was thus visible from any distance. Additionally, the shadows it cast were a purely visual phenomenon, its shade providing no respite from the sun's heating effect. The tree reminded you of something but you [[can't remember|formative moment]] what it was.

It stood approximately 16 inches on a good day and was impervious to the laws of physics. As such it was possible to phase through the tree as if it didn't exist, one of your favorite things to do on beautiful spring days, and also it never, ever moved even the smallest bit which upon reflection was rather upsetting to see in person and should probably have [[scarred you for life|formative moment]].

"What is it this time?" you asked the octopus, annoyed "Blbljbjb buppptt pphblllbubububb spublbllb blbpububpbub bbbbububub ubupuop bloop blooppbpbfph" the octopus replied. Perhaps you should come back here later when you have some way of understanding what the octopus is saying.

<div style="position: fixed; background: white; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 0; right: 0; text-align: right; font-family: monospace;">[[return to hub|02]]</div><div style="position: fixed; background: black; color: plum; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px; top: 0; left: 0; text-align: left; font-family: monospace;">(link: "save")[(if:(save-game:"slot1"))[saved](else: )[didnt work]]<br>(link:"load")[(load-game: 'slot1')okay]</div>

Without saying another word Teresa climbed into a nearby tree where she purchased a pen and paper from a squirrel named Eugene. "Paul's at it again, eh?" Eugene prodded familiarly. "'Fraid so," teresa replied, handing Eugene his (link:"$75,000 squirrel-dollars in acorns")[(set: $money to $money + 0.18)(goto: 'icepick_02')], equivalent to approximately 18 american dollars divided by 100. She hopped back down to Paul and began to pen an important letter to their landlord, another, slightly fatter squirrel also named Eugene.

(if: $yellow is not 4293)[You are in the center of a plain square white room. There are four doors, one on each wall. (if: $yellow is > 9999)[(set: $yellow to ($yellow - 9999))] On the floor beneath you is a small hatch labelled "4293". On the ceiling is a large digital display which reads:<div style="padding: 50px; background: black; vertical-align: top; color: yellow; font-size: 128px; display: inline-block;">(if: $yellow is < 999)[0](if: $yellow is < 9)[0](if: $yellow is < 99)[0]$yellow</div> (link: "Front door")[(goto:"hall1")] (link: "Left door")[(goto:"hall2")] (link: "Right door")[(goto:"hall3")] (link: "Rear door")[(goto:"hall4")]](else: )[Wow, look at that, you solved the puzzle. The display says <div style="padding: 50px; background: black; vertical-align: top; color: yellow; font-size: 128px; display: inline-block;">(if: $yellow is < 999)[0](if: $yellow is < 9)[0](if: $yellow is < 99)[0]$yellow</div> and the hatch is probably unlocked now, how wonderful Open the [[hatch]].]

Well, at least that's what she told Paul. In truth, she was writing a letter to Paul himself, in secret, right in front of him. Paul, being not smart, did not realize this. The letter read as follows: <div style=" width: 50%; background: white; border: 1px dotted black; font-style: italic; color: black; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 22px; line-height: 28px; text-align: justify; padding:20px;">Dearest Paul,    As your (display: "role-1"), I'm afraid you have done well to place me in an extremely unfortunate and indeed almost indescribably uncomfortable circumstance following your recent decision to (display: "state-1").    As such, I have henceforth finalized my decision to (display: "decision-1") and immediately thereafter (display:"decisionB-1").    Please understand that this isn't a decision made lightly - in fact, this decision was among the heaviest I've ever made, clocking in at an astonishing 475,000 squirrel pounds - well above the average for this geopolitical delineation.    I hope this letter finds you well. (display: "sincere-1")    Tabitha</div> [[The letter would indeed find Paul well|icepick_03]] sometime in the next seven to ten business days.

(link: '$pickrole')[(set: $pickrole to 'dear old grandma')(display: "role-2")]

(link: '$pickrole')[(set: $pickrole to 'adopted daughter')(display: "role-3")]

(link: '$pickrole')[(set: $pickrole to 'beloved wife')(display: "role-1")]

(link: '$pickstate')[(set: $pickstate to 'utter the unsayable phrase like it was nothing')(display: "state-2")]

(link: '$pickstate')[(set: $pickstate to 'poison the souffle I had so graciously prepared for your birthday')(display: "state-3")]

(link: '$pickstate')[(set: $pickstate to 'subscribe at great personal expense to an ostentatious interior design magazine')(display: "state-4")]

(link: '$pickstate')[(set: $pickstate to 'weave a basket from my collection of historically-significant reeds')(display: "state-1")]

(link: '$pickdecision')[(set: $pickdecision to 'throw a series of rocks at you')(display: "decision-2")]

(link: '$pickdecision')[(set: $pickdecision to 'ingest an entire gallon of motor oil in one gulp')(display: "decision-3")]

(link: '$pickdecision')[(set: $pickdecision to 'engage in cellular mitosis, dividing into two identical copies of myself, one good and one evil')(display: "decision-4")]

(link: '$pickdecision')[(set: $pickdecision to 'construct a luxury hotel somewhere in the magnetosphere')(display: "decision-1")]

(link: '$pickdecisionB')[(set: $pickdecisionB to "pillage your great-aunt sylvia's luxurious palace and sell the riches for significantly less than they are worth at a ramshackle stand in the alleyway behind the public library")(display: "decisionB-2")]

(link: '$pickdecisionB')[(set: $pickdecisionB to "tape over your Star Trek: The Next Generation fan edits")(display: "decisionB-3")]

(link: '$pickdecisionB')[(set: $pickdecisionB to "plant a tree directly beneath the lunch box time capsule you buried when you were ten years old so the tree grows around it and crushes it thus rendering your most cherished nostalgias utterly unrecoverable")(display: "decisionB-4")]

(link: '$pickdecisionB')[(set: $pickdecisionB to "graft a series of mysterious metallic devices to your body which block numerous important bodily functions and can only be removed by solving a long series of highly complex, increasingly illogical puzzles")(display: "decisionB-1")]

(link: '$sincere')[(set: $sincere to "Warmest regards,")(display: "sincere-2")]

(link: '$sincere')[(set: $sincere to "More or less,")(display: "sincere-3")]

(link: '$sincere')[(set: $sincere to "Love,")(display: "sincere-4")]

(link: '$sincere')[(set: $sincere to "Sincerely,")(display: "sincere-1")]

The scene ends abruptly and we cut to a [[black screen]] with strange music playing

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Beyond the door is a narrow hallway. At the end of the hallway is a (link: "door")[(set: $yellow to $yellow + 1)(goto: "yellow_02")].

Beyond the door is a narrow hallway. At the end of the hallway is a (link: "door")[(set: $yellow to $yellow + 37)(goto: "yellow_02")].

Beyond the door is a narrow hallway. At the end of the hallway is a (link: "door")[(set: $yellow to $yellow + 148)(goto: "yellow_02")].

Beyond the door is a narrow hallway. At the end of the hallway is a (link: "door")[(set: $yellow to $yellow * 2)(goto: "yellow_02")].

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Your landlord, who is much more important than you to the community, was born in 1901 in the humble 40-story mansion their family has owned for 500 generations. Their hobbies include windsurfing, aging, and firing people. You pay them 900000 dollars a month, 899999 dollars of which you're forced to procure via payday loans and amazon mechanical turk. (if: $money < 1.00)[(link: "The remaining dollar")[(set: $money to $money + 1.00)(goto: 'dining room')]](else:)[[[The remaining dollar|dining room]]] you usually find blowing in the wind or under a couch cushion.

<span style="font-family:monospace">C'mere, sport,</span> he said crustily but still warmly and kindly, <span style="font-family:monospace">I gots a present fer ya,</span> He held out his hands and in them he cradled a small box wrapped in [[black velvet]]

What's in it, you asked <span style="font-family:monospace">Somethin reeeeaall special, been in the fam'ly fer round about 3 gen'rations, 'n now that yer however old y'are I thought's it was time to pass 'er on down to ya</span> he replied, staring up at the old hawthorne tree on the hill <span style="font-family:monospace">Yep! Threeee gen'rattionnsss,,</span> he continued to himself as you sat down in the grass and started at the whole [[opening the box]] thing

Inside the box was a can opener, which disappointed you but you said (link: "thanks")[(set: $canopener to true)(goto: "door")] anyway and that's all you remember.

For future reference, this is what blue looksl ike [[got it|blue_2]]<div style="background:blue; top: 0; left: 0; right: 0; bottom: 0; position: fixed; pointer-events:none; z-index:2; mix-blend-mode:color;"></div>

the erasure of an entire color from human history wasn't an easy task, but luckily for the emperor his approval rating was through the roof thanks to extremely effective propaganda his administration had been funneling secretly into the planet's various media outlets for several centuries, and as such many people simply [[forgot what blue was]]

Blue himself wasn't particularly attached to being percieved by humanity, but that doesn't mean the ban didn't sting. Feeling rejected and used, blue [[left]], entierly of his own accord.

This proved awkward after the evil emperor of the world was overthrown in a bloodless coup [[one foggy afternoon]] in July of 1877

In an open letter posted on his wordpress blog, the new slightly-less-evil emperor of the world called for all the world's most intelligent and english-speaking scientists to devise "Some kind of blue-like color" which "we can use instead", adding that "[[the world's enemy]] `[was]` conducting illegal standing around doing nothing drills" and that "under earth's mighty fist they `[would]` surely be crushed". (if: $blue1 < 5)[Among the respondents were [[Archibald Archibalt]], [[Canada McGregor]], [[Occam Robinson]], [[Tina Onion]], and [[the color-inventing robot]].](else:)[Needless to say, the color-inventing robot succeeded in [[re-inventing blue]] within a matter of seconds]

The planet Blaagthrall of the Orion nebula, home to a peaceful race of one-eyed one-horned five-headed antelope people with spiny yellow bones jutting from their palms, was first contacted on April 99th -27 by accident when then-emperor the evil emperor of the world threw a dart at a map of space and sent it a prank email. The Blaagthrallians, easily detecting the email's fraudulent nature, IP banned the earth from their slightly better version of youtube. The stalemate non-conflict had raged on [[ever since|one foggy afternoon]].

a distingushed bio-engineer, Archibald Archibalt is the inventor of string cheese, treasurer of the First PanAmerican Tennis-Shoe Society, and honorary grandson of the L. Ron Hubbard Memorial Fiberglass Factory. His solution was to rename yellow to blue so there was technically still blue even though there wasn't. Needless to say, [[he retired in disgrace.|one foggy afternoon]](set: $blue1 to $blue1 + 1)

Canada McGregor was the first woman to be just as much of a selfish jerk as men regularly are, a distinction which won her the nobel peace prize in literature and an all-expense-paid vacation to santa's workshop. Appalled by the horrific working conditions and the fact that santa was actually a crudely-fashioned automoton shaped like a pituitary gland, she evacuated the elves and blew up the workshop in protest, winning four more nobel peace prizes in science, technology, engineering and mathematics, the only four nobel peace prizes that matter to the scientific community. Her solution was perfect but wasn't accepted by the emperor because he was in a [[bad mood|one foggy afternoon]] that day(set: $blue1 to $blue1 + 1)

[[Occam Robinson isn't worth discussing|one foggy afternoon]](set: $blue1 to $blue1 + 1)

Tina Onion is the smartest person on earth, having invented teleportation, perpetual motion machines, and countless other very impressive and scientifically incredible things. She's also a superhero and can read minds. Knowing in advance that the evil emperor of earth would ban the color blue, she began working on the color-inventing robot in secret years before he had even been born. She entered the contest only because the color-inventing robot wasn't human and therefore required [[a human representative|one foggy afternoon]] in order to qualify.(set: $blue1 to $blue1 + 1)

The color-inventing robot was a robot designed to invent [[colors|one foggy afternoon]](set: $blue1 to $blue1 + 1)

And that's the story of the color that dissappeared but then came back again

Peace is the word, have you heard, it's the time it's the place it's the motion, peace is the way you are [[feeling|birthday]]

Looking out across the verdant fields of long green grass glowing in the morning sunlight like verdant fields of long green grass glowing in the morning sunlight you were overcome with <span style="color:red; text-decoration:line-through;">a profound sense of peace,</span> the desire to stay here forever<span style="color:red; text-decoration:line-through;">, and above all an intense craving for a donut</span>. And so you did. As the years went on, never once, even for a moment, did you reconsider your choice. Your friends and family begging at your feet day after day, your intense, mounting hunger and thirst, the countless freezing winters and the sweltering summers, five or six extremely dangerous atmospheric catastrophes; against them all you stood resolute, [[steadfast]] and determined.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Eventually, you died, resting comfortably filthy and emaciated beneath that hawthorne tree. For all the changes you'd seen - the snow and fog, droughts, brush fires, the housing development built around you and eventually demolished - it had stood by your side, just the same now as it was then. As was the case at all the preceding moments in your life, your final thoughts were of how much you really really wanted not to move from that one spot ever again.

Teresa's current living situation (as previously described) is an indirect result of violence that happened many years ago in the ice pick [[nursery school]] which try as she might she can no longer remember because it wasn't actually very traumatic.

an important thing to remember is that like the tendrils of the real world, these tendrils too can be cut, generally by people like you, if there are enough of you. another important thing to remember is that the United States and its good pals "The Evil Countries" are more or less the sole proprietor of these hegemony tendrils and as such it's of paramount importance that our efforts not be wasted fighting [[battles that don't matter]]

What follows is a comprehensive list of all the battles which do not matter <div style="display:inline-block; font-family:monospace; font-size:16px; color: purple; background: white; line-height:16px;"><b>1.</b> "I'm scared of (ethnic/religious/otherwise oppressed) group because they're going to (destroy (me/(my (ethnic/religious/definitely not oppressed) group/way of life/penis))/the world)/continue to ((be (happy/cooler than i am))/exist)) despite the fact i'd prefer them not to" <b>2.</b> "We need to protect our freedoms by (disarming/invading/killing/torturing/deposing) the bad guys (too many to list) that the good guys (united states & pals) say are the bad guys" <b>3.</b> (<i>crowd chanting "USA" at 50(link: "<span style='color:purple !important;'>0</span>")[(set: $money to $money + 0.05)(goto: 'mopuim')]0 decibels for three weeks straight</i>) <b>4.</b> the other ones i forgot/can't remember</div> This has been a serious moment in an otherwise not serious (secretly very serious) story, we now [[return to our regular programming|mopuim]]. In accordance with the fact the world is still dictated by numbers with funny symbols in front of them and that I'd like to extend my hand in gratitude and indeed personally and immediately congratulate those people who bother/bothered/could be bothered to pursue this particular series of hyperlinks and as such at this present moment you can click the third zero in five thousand to be given an imaginary nickel thank you very much Lorem Ipsum Dolor Sit Amet, et cetera et cetera, this text is filler to make people who skip things not want to read it at first glance, etc etc and so on and so on This has been a very serious moment in an otherwise and so on the etc and so on To the for now and particular et cetera

It is your first day at nursery school. What do you do? [[be a good little ice pick|pickgood]] [[be a neutral little ice pick|pickneutral]] [[be a evil little ice pick|pickevil]]

You listen carefully and obediently and always raise your hand. You try your very best to engage with [[the teacher]]'s material in a considered respectful way most conducive to learning. You eat your lunch with a napkin tucked into your collar and when play-time comes you always offer your toys to the other children. You report evil little ice picks to the teacher and are rewarded a gold star for each one.

You listen disinterestedly to the teacher's teaching, sometimes raising your hand but never really putting much thought into your answers. You alternate between engaging with [[the teacher]]'s material and paying no attention whatsoever. You eat your lunch of a piece of bread with butter on it but when it doesn't taste bland enough you throw it away. When play-time comes you ignore everything and everyone and sit there doing nothing. All the other kids think you're weird.

You fling a golf-ball size rock at [[the teacher]]'s head the instant you walk into the classroom. He is permanently hospitalized, You are expelled from school, and all the kids tell [[stories about you]] forever after.

Mr. Scarab Beetle began teaching in 999999999.01 after dropping out of principled disrespect school at the age of 107 and opting instead for a life of making himself feel important by bossing innocent ice pick children around He was not a scarab beetle, he just really hated scarab beetles and named himself after them in a fit of anger one fateful day many years ago after a series of extremely [[unfortunate scarab beetle related incidents]].

You're at your house. It's not a very good day today. The [[phone]] is [[ringing]].

Numerous titles are available, each more thrilling and action-packed than the last "The [[Extremely Unkind]] Child" "The Day of The [[Stapler]]" "[[Chalk Dust]]" "Beetle Boy Takes A [[Bite]] Outta Biology"

It's shaped like garfield the cat, the beloved newspaper cat who eats lasagna and hates one [[day of the week]] much more than he hates the other days of the week But that [[doesn't matter|unfortunate scarab beetle related incidents]]

"I dislike the mailman" says your phone. "I dislike the mailman a great deal" says your phone again, over and over. You refuse to pick it up because you know [[who it is]] and you know [[what they want]]

the day of the week is [[monday]], But that [[doesn't matter|unfortunate scarab beetle related incidents]]

monday, followed by [[tuesday]], is the second day of the week (set: $monday to $monday + 1) You've experienced $monday mondays in your short life, each worse than the last(if: $monday % 11 <= 0)[ Every 11th monday is [[laundry day]]]

Sylvia is calling again. She's your mother. You don't like her. Like your father, and his father before him, and her father before her, and his mother before him, and her mother before her, your mother is a scarab beetle [[enthusiast]].

As a small child every day your parents never ever shut up about the god damned scarab beetles "Honey," you remember your mother once said, leaning over you as you awoke from a long sleepless night of having the flu and being sick, her eyes wide and grinning ear to ear, "Would you like to know an interesting fact about scarab beetles?" "nnyesth, monntherh," you [[wheezed]] dutifully

"The Scarab Beetle," she announced, "Is Found in the Country of //Egypt//!!!!" wow, you said "I know!!" she replied, nodding, and held her hand to your forehead for a moment before continuing "Looks like you could use another bowl of [[applesauce]]!"

Your father, too, had his share of oddities. It was on his command, for instance, that all channels other than 'The Scarab Beetle Channel' had been forbade, and every night at dinner it would be father who got the first slice of scarab beetle and the privilege of not eating it if he didn't feel like it that day "Don't forget the lessons of the scarab beetle," he pulled you aside and whispered to you before you hurried off to your first day of school "They don't teach you the lessons of the beetle. Never forget the [[Lessons of the beetle]]."

<div style="text-align:center;">The Lessons of the Scarab Beetle <ol> <li>The Scarab Beetle is Infinitely Kind</li> <li>The Scarab Beetle Hates You</li> <li>The Scarab Beetle is Limitlessly Pitiful</li> <li>The Scarab Beetle Demands Permanent Obedience</li> <li>The Scarab Beetle Cannot Swim</li> <li>Those Who Disparage the Scarab Will be Punished</li> <li>When You Die You Become a Scarab Beetle's Slave</li> </ol> </div> But that [[doesn't matter|ringing]], not anymore

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You open the cupboard and remember you've already eaten the last can of canned lima beans in heavy syrup this morning. (if: $radio is true)[Oh well. Back to [[work|radio_02]] i guess](else:)[[[Shame,|wnindow_02]] you muse]

The living room subsists on 45 gallons of petrol every afternoon and three sugar cubes every other sunday to maintain its blood sugar Despite the considerable effort it's taken to haul countless barrels of petrol into this room deep within the building up six flights of stairs every day for the past seven years, you forgot about it completely yesterday, [[absolutely believing|wnindow_02]] you'd already done it.

The same can be said of earthworms and the majestic yellow ox, the only of the quadrigrade ungulates to subsist entirely upon banana cream pies

I've never met an ungulate i didn't like flamingoes and cows don't mix of course

a supreme court decision in 1888 in the county of manitoba south texas highway #62 mining district 44 adjudicatized that no flamingo would be allowed within 600 metres of a cow and/or goat sanctuary over fear of flamingo smallpox eradicating the existing population - an historic decision no doubt, but it wasn't without its detractors

the International Pan-Alabaman Anti-Flamingo-Smallpox-Elimination League Of Oddfellows in particular was staunch in its opposition, with their head member, one John Applebees XXVI stating in a press release; <i>"The IPAAFSELOO will not stand for this assault on the rights of landowneing patriots rights to commit biological atrocities with flamingoes and cows and we're going to bomb a bank, unless they make it the way it was before again, soon"</i> The IPAAFSELOO was classified as a domestic terrorist organization on May 18nd 1980 by president John F. Kennedy XXVII Special Edition and has been on the run from the CIA ever since

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You look around the room and all you can see are heavy clouds of thick pastel-colored dust. Breathing feels like swallowing a cheese grater. There are four clouds here, A [[Yellow cloud]] A [[Green cloud]] A [[Pink cloud]] and finally a [[White cloud]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You move toward the [[green]] cloud and [[listen very carefully]] to your surroundings. Something strange is happening.

You love the pink cloud. It smells like [[strawberries]]. You don't like how [[strawberries]] taste but the [[smell of strawberries]] is extremely [[calming]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Sifting through the cloud of green dust you come across a pair of children with chalkboard erasers, clapping them together rhythmically. <hr> Paragon: [[congratulate them]] Neutral: [[ask what they're doing]] Renegade: [[knock the erasers from their hands]]

When you pipe up and say what you're about to say the children are startled, not having noticed your approach until now "Good job," you tell them, "You are doing a good job at this, and should be proud." The children [[stare at you]] blankly.

"Might I inquire as to the reason behind why you are doing this eraser clapping, dear children" you ask, calmly stroking your chin and squinting your eyes The two children do not speak english and did not understand you. One of them [[hands you their pair of erasers]].

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You take the erasers and plan on inserting them into your inventory but instead they disintegrate the moment they touch you. You get a bunch of [[pixels]] all over your sunday best shoes with the [[buckles]]

What a mess. How disgusting. What did you do to desreve this treatment. How disgusting. <hr> Paragon: [[say you are sorry for breaking the erasers]] Neutral: [[clean the pixels from your shoes without a word]] Renegade: [[complain]]

Like old timey settler shoes from a cartoon, with the [[turkeys]] and the racism. You [[hate|hands you their pair of erasers]] these ugly shoes with a passion.

"I am sorry" you say to the children who don't understand what you're saying. The first of the children gives the second of the children one of their erasers which they proceed to clap together, together. It's a heartwarming display. "[[Apology accepted]]" you say to yourself accidentally.

You decide it's better to avoid causing more things to happen and quietly dust the pixels from your boots. One of them accidentally falls into your inventory but you decide to (link:"keep it as a mememnnto")[(set: $pixel to true)(goto: "keep it as a mememnnto")].

You launch into a lengthy tirade about how as a distinguished space captain you shouldn't be treated like this and should instead have the children sent to a penal colony on the penal colony planet, Space Australia. After seven to ten minutes of constant vitriolic chastisement the children, who were ghosts this whole time, vanish, along with their erasers and all the pixels. Your anger is not gone, though. That wasn't nearly satisfying enough. --- find [[someone else]] to terrorize

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Perhaps the [[other clouds|Chalk Dust]] will be more enlightening than [[this one|Green cloud]] was

Strawberries are a berry you can use as a straw. [[thank you|Pink cloud]]

[[If I could put the smell of something here it would be the smell of strawberries, the inclusion of smell would be extremely beneficial to this part of the story, this is my formal complaint to the developers of this software that the lack of smell control makes the software bad and i will henceforth withdraw my support of the platform unless you put smells in it |Pink cloud]]

The calm is broken when from the pink cloud emerges a crotchety old man with thick glasses a huge moustache and big a box of strawberry tarts steaming and fresh and still hot from the oven. He asks you in a crotchety old man voice "CaaAAaaRee for A TaaArrT.., Young'n?" <hr> Paragon: [[yes]] Neutral: [[no]] Renegade: [[no but mean]]

"Yes" He holds out his shaky hand and says the tarts "are 99" cents apiece. <hr> Paragon: [[i would like to buy one but am poor]] Neutral: [[that is a fair price]] Renegade: [[steal tarts]]

"No thank you" you say and the old man shrugs, disappearing into a cloud of nonthreateningly bluish smoke. A big "W" appears on your screen. <div style="font-size:512px; font-family:serif; text-align:center;">W<br><span style="opacity:0">[[XXX|mmmmw]]</span></div> what could it mean?

Double-click this passage to edit it.

"Tough," he says, and disappears in a ghastly cloud of [[grey]] smoke

"that is a fair price," you say. "I currently have $ $money and (if: $money >= 0.99)[can [[purchase a tart now]]](if: $money < 0.99)[cannot purchase so I will [[return later|stories about you]]].

I'm sorry but you can't do that it would ruin everything The old man disappears in a puff of ghastly [[black]] smoke

Paragon: (link:"buy tart")[(set: $money to ($money - .99))(goto: "tart paragon")] Neutral: (link:"buy tart")[(set: $money to ($money - .99))(goto: "tart neutral")] Renegade: (link:"buy tart")[(set: $money to ($money - .99))(goto: "tart renegade")]

There are approximately 337 billion shades of this particular color, each less interesting or noteworthy than the last. It is a dull, boring, ugly color that reminds us why colors aren't really important in the first place and how ultimately in the end our feeble mumblings have virtually no meaningful impact on the universe around us which will always and forever continue its mechanical deterministic journey of [[nothingness|black screen]] with or without our input

   "Every six moves the player with the fewest pawns can make two additional moves without waiting for the previous player. Every eight moves the player with the most pawns can move a piece twice the normal distance. Bets must be placed before the first piece is moved, and bets must not exceed twenty-five cents per piece per player. Every five minutes after one player has lost both their bishops, the opposite player must allow the other player to ask them a deeply personal question which must be answered truthfully. Ice magic does not work on bishops, queens, or rooks, but water magic is doubly effective on these pieces. The secret envelope must not be opened unless certain conditions are met and the players have had a neutral third party summoned to oversee the game. The player who says 'check' first must swap places with the opposing player for ten seconds every time one of thier knights is moved. The game may be played on a chinese checkers board if a regular board cannot be found, but if this is the case the black pawns must be replaced with mancala beads. There is a third, invisible player with neither black nor white pieces who is moving across the board sideways and taking pieces as normal but can only move when the other two playeres are not looking. This player can win by secretly removing all the other pieces from the board. If you lose a piece, roll a 20-sided die; if the value on the die is higher than 15, you may restore your piece. The game can be lost instantly if you say the forbidden word. It is illegal to build more than two hotels on each property. The oldest player goes first but must sacrifice their queen if the youngest player doesn't remind them to wash their hands. Players must wash their hands before touching any of the pieces. Players without hands must wash whatever appendage they use to touch the pieces instead of their hands unless they have hands. The first player to lose all but five pieces can win if they move all their pieces to the invisible player's king at least once. One of the pieces belonging to either player is secretly a spy, if you can determine which is the spy before anyone else you gain ten additional victory points and may look in the secret envelope. Players with more than five pieces must begin every turn by saying 'I shall now make my move, please pay attention'. If a player loses but still has at least one pawn, they may move one piece of their choice belonging to the other player anywhere else, even off the board or under the table, and recieve two more pawns. The game then proceeds as normal. This process is repeated every time a player loses until someone loses without any remaining pawns. The player who wins does not officially win unless they say 'Checkmate'. If they do not say 'Checkmate' they must submit a written apology within 6-8 weeks to P.O. Box 1234 Billowbugle Boulevard, WWW.Brighton, Indiana, A.S.P.C.A. under penalty of a permanent ban from ever playing chess again. Players recieve a free twisty straw if they win."

To access 'the truth', please deposit 99999999 dollars into the slot (if: ($money >= 99999999) && $truthcost != "paid")[(link:"do it")[(set: $money to ($money - 99999999))(set: $truthcost to "paid")(goto:"truth")]](if: ($money < 99999999) && $truthcost != "paid")[[[too expensive|two flamingoes]]](if: $truthcost is "paid")[return to the [[truth]]]

tuesday, followed by [[wednesday]], is the third day of the week

wednesday, followed by [[thursday]], is the fourth day of the week

thursday, followed by [[friday]], is the fifth day of the week

friday, followed by [[saturday]], is the sixth day of the week

saturday, followed by [[sunday]], is the seventh day of the week

sunday, followed by [[monday]], is the first day of the week

<span style="font-size: 200px; line-height:200px; animation: shudder 0.3s linear 0s infinite;">DING-DONG. DING-DONG. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. DING-DONG. [[OPEN UP]].</span> the laundry beast is here

you [[open the door for the laundry beast]]

<span style="font-size: 200px; line-height:200px; animation: shudder 0.3s linear 0s infinite">GIVE LAUNDRY.</span> the laundry beast grunts <hr> [[give laundry]] [[do not give laundry]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

The laundry beast stares down at you with its basketball-sized eyeballs and bares its long [[purple]] fangs, moaning in anger <span style="font-size: 200px; line-height:200px; animation: shudder 0.3s linear 0s infinite">NO LAUNDRY FOR BEAST!? I MAKE SQUISH UGLY HUMAN!</span> The laundry beast makes squish ugly human. You Are Dead. The End.

purple is the word that some people use when they mean to say '[[violet]]'

this is the color called 'chartreuse': <div style="width: 30vw; height: 30vw; pointer-events: none; top: 0; left: 0; background-color: #cfff00; padding:100px; font-style: italic; font-size:16px; line-height:18px; font-family:monospace;">Chartreuse US: /ʃɑːrˈtruːz/, /ʃɑːrˈtruːs/ or RP /ʃɑːˈtrɜːz/; French pronunciation: [ʃaʁtʁøz] is a color between yellow and green that was named because of its resemblance to the green color of one of the French liqueurs called green chartreuse, introduced in 1764. Similarly, chartreuse yellow is a yellow color mixed with a small amount of green that was named because of its resemblance to the color of one of the French liqueurs called yellow chartreuse, introduced in 1838.</div> The color of 'chartreuse' is not to be trusted.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

A chameloeon named Harris runs the convencience store down the road Visit the convenience store? [[Yes|shop]] [[No|violet]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

you press the button and a voice comes on the line "Hello," you say, and then say "do you have the answer to our KWKKQ 999.3 FM All Polka All The Time super-secret big-winner 'O' the week ultra-trivia extreme quiz question," You hear heavy breathing coming through the reciever. "Uhhh, uhh, uhhh, uhhhhh, um, um, uhhhhh, uhhhmm mmmm, hmmmm, hmmm, uhhh, uhhh hmmm... uhhh,... hmmm hm.. hmm, oh, uhh, ummmmmm, uh, ... ... ...hmm, humm, uh. Uh. Umm," [[says the caller|radio_01]]

You mute the reciever and set your mic on the table and leave the room. You haven't eaten today, perhaps a trip to the [[kitchen]].(set: $radio to true)

There's not a lot that makes your job good but the lima beans are one of those things. You briefly turn the audio feed back on and take a listen. "Uhhhhhhhhh..... ummm... Well, uh. Uh,. Ummm. Hm. Uh. Uhhhh, hmmm, uhh, ummm, Uuhhh-" You probably have some time to kill. What do you do? [[go to the store]] to get more lima beans [[take a nap]] in the break room [[something else|sunday]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Turkeys(if: (count: (history:), (passage:)'s name) < 1)[(display:'foot-link')] are worse than flamingos but better than penguins. This fact is highly disputed but you can [[trust|hands you their pair of erasers]] our version of the story because we are the good guys.

"Hey Harris" you say to the empty room. Harris decloaks behind the counter. "What'll it be today, unnamed player character" he says. ''There are many interesting items for sale. Which would you like to inspect?'' <span style="font-family: monospace; font-style:normal; line-height:28px;"> (if: $communicator is not true)[ $0100 | [[Communicator]]](if: $communicator is true)[ (text-style: "fade-in-out")[COMMUNICATORS SOLD OUT]] (if: $icosahedron is not true)[ $9000 | [[Icosahedron]]](if: $icosahedron is true)[ (text-style: "fade-in-out")[???????? SOLD OUT]]  $0000 | [[Nothing]] (if: $rope is not true)[ $0045 | [[Rope]]](if: $rope is true)[ (text-style: "fade-in-out")[ROPE SOLD OUT]] (if: $candy is not true)[ $0002 | [[Candy Bar]]](if: $candy is true)[ (text-style: "fade-in-out")[CANDY BARS SOLD OUT]]  $0001 | [[Glass of Water]] -$0.01 | [[Penny from the jar thing]]  $0008 | [[Life Insurance Policy]] </span> </div>

From under the desk Harris pulls out a weird looking box that's glowing slightly and smells like copper. "One of our finest," he says, tapping the surface of the object with a clawed finger "This little doodad's the reason y'all understand what I'm saying right now, you know that? Creates a, like, energy field around you, helps you, like, understannd what folk're sayin', dig?" You're not sure why Harris is talking like a beatnik all of a sudden but you don't let that bother you too much. "All yours for the low, low price of 100 beans," he continues eagerly. "Hmm," you say. (if: $money >= 100)[1: "I (link:"would")[(set: $communicator to true)(set: $money to ($money - 100))(goto: "shop")] like to buy this item, here is your money give it to me please now"<br>2: "I might buy it [[later|shop]] but not now thanks,"](if: $money < 100)[[["Too rich for my blood"|shop]]]

"Hell if I know what this does" says Harris. "It'll cost you, though, 9000 buckaroos." You ask why it's so expensive and Harris shrugs, gives you a confused look, says something about being completely 100% positive it's exteremely valuable because it has a lot of sides. "Welll uh," you say, (if: $money >= 9000)[1: "I (link:"would")[(set: $icosahedron to true)(set: $money to ($money - 9000))(goto: "shop")] like to buy this item, here is your money give it to me please now"<br>2: "I might buy it [[later|shop]] but not now thanks,"](if: $money < 9000)[[["Too rich for my blood"|shop]]]

"I would like to buy nothing" you say. "Okay, there's the door," says the chameleon shopkeeper [[Leave|Maze-End]] - [[Stay|shop]]

You ask harris why the rope is so expensive and he says it's because of the plot if you have 45 dollars you can have it he says (if: $money >= 45)[1: "I (link:"would")[(set: $rope to true)(set: $money to ($money - 45))(goto: "shop")] like to buy this item, here is your money give it to me please now"<br>2: "I might buy it [[later|shop]] but not now thanks,"](if: $money < 45)[[["Too rich for my blood"|shop]]]

What candy bars do you have you ask This one he says and shows you the candy bar It's $2 he says (if: $money >= 2)[1: "I (link:"would")[(set: $candy to true)(set: $money to ($money - 2))(goto: "shop")] like to buy this item, here is your money give it to me please now"<br>2: "I might buy it [[later|shop]] but not now thanks,"](if: $money < 2)[[["Too rich for my blood"|shop]]]

I'd like one glass of water, you say A glass of water'll be a daller he replies (if: $money >= 1)[1: "I (link:"would")[(set: $waters to ($waters + 1))(set: $money to ($money - 1))(goto: "shop")] like to buy this item, here is your money give it to me please now"<br>2: "I might buy it [[later|shop]] but not now thanks,"](if: $money < 1)[[["Too rich for my blood"|shop]]]

You spy one of those penny things and ask if it's alright to take a penny (if: $money < 100)[Harris says it's okay. You could (link:"snag a penny from the tray")[(set: $money to ($money + 0.01))(goto: "shop")] if you wanted, or you could [[not do that|shop]]](if: $money >= 100)[Sorry the pennies are only there for poor people he says. You love money so much and almost say something but you know [[harris won't budge on this|shop]]]

At last you've reached the end of the hedge maze. Your destination, the humble convenience store run by your good pal Harris the chameleon, lies before you. Its treasures are many. Or you could turn around and make your way back out. [[Enter|shop]] | [[Leave|Maze_36]]

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_30]] [[West|Maze_35]]    [[East|Maze-End]]     South

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_23]]    East     [[South|Maze_30]]

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_12]] [[West|Maze_17]]    [[East|Maze_13]]     South

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_06]] [[West|Maze_11]]    East     [[South|Maze_18]]

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_24]] West    East     [[South|Maze_36]]

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_05]]    East     [[South|Maze_12]]

There is one direction available here.     [[North|Maze_29]] West    East     South

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_28]]    East     [[South|Maze_35]]

There are four directions available here.     [[North|Maze_17]] [[West|Maze_22]]    [[East|Maze_24]]     [[South|Maze_29]]

There are two directions available here.     North West    [[East|Maze_18]]     [[South|Maze_23]]

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_16]] [[West|Maze_21]]    East     South

There are three directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_27]]    [[East|Maze_29]]     [[South|Maze_34]]

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_04]]    [[East|Maze_06]]     South

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_03]]    [[East|Maze_05]]     South

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_10]]    [[East|Maze_12]]     South

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_04]] [[West|Maze_09]]    [[East|Maze_11]]     South

There are two directions available here.     North West    [[East|Maze_10]]     [[South|Maze_15]]

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_07]] West    [[East|Maze_14]]     [[South|Maze_19]]

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_15]]    East     [[South|Maze_22]]

There are two directions available here.     North West    [[East|Maze_22]]     [[South|Maze_27]]

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_09]] [[West|Maze_14]]    [[East|Maze_16]]     South

There are two directions available here. (if: $carkeys is not true)[ On the ground are your (link:"CAR KEYS")[(set: $carkeys to true)(goto: "Maze_03")]. They must have built the maze around them. ](if: $carkeys is true)[ So glad to have those keys back! ]     North [[West|Maze_02]]    [[East|Maze_04]]     South

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_01]]    East     [[South|Maze_08]]

There are three directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_00]]    [[East|Maze_02]]     [[South|Maze_07]]

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_02]] West    East     [[South|Maze_14]]

Here you are at the start of the maze. Hopefully this won't eat up too much of your day. [[Enter|Maze_01]] | [[Leave|street-leaving]]

There are one directions available here.     [[North|Maze_01]] West    East     South

The street leading down toward the house is barren and desolate. The landscaping crew left a lot of things behind when they were working on the maze, too, so it's also kind of a mess. Regardless, you head on down the road and arrive at the [[door]].

It's dark outside and you can see under the street lamp a small sign posted there fairly recently. It says: <div style="width:250px; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px; height: 150px; padding: 10px; text-align:center; background: white; font-family: monospace; display: inline-block; color:black;">sorry about the maze. trying to get it removed. wouldnt listen when i said they had the wrong place. not too hard to solve but annoying anyway. - H</div> Indeed, looking down the street toward your destination, a vast hedge maze dominates what was once a regular boring old plain empty street. What a travesty. Guess you'll have to [[solve the maze|Maze_00]] to reach the shop then, you say out loud in second person

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_08]] [[West|Maze_13]]    East     South

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_13]] West    [[East|Maze_20]]     [[South|Maze_25]]

There are four directions available here.     [[North|Maze_21]] [[West|Maze_26]]    [[East|Maze_28]]     [[South|Maze_33]]

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_20]] West    [[East|Maze_27]]     South

There are two directions available here. There's also a weird-looking door here. A car door. Jutting from the wall. (if: $carkeys is not true)[(link:"Try the door")[It's locked.]](if: $carkeys is true)[(link:"Obviously you're supposed to unlock it with the key you say to yourself in second person again")[Go through the [[car door]]]]     North [[West|Maze_32]]    [[East|Maze_34]]     South

There are two directions available here.     North [[West|Maze_19]]    East     [[South|Maze_26]]

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_19]] West    East     [[South|Maze_31]]

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_25]] West    [[East|Maze_32]]     South

There are three directions available here.     [[North|Maze_26]] [[West|Maze_31]]    [[East|Maze_33]]     South

Double-click this passage to edit it.

There are two directions available here.     [[North|Maze_28]] [[West|Maze_33]]    East     South

You see the signt that says 'Life Insurance, Eight Dollars' and inquire abuot it "New thing," harris begins, "if you die i'll pay for your funeral and stuff, only eight dollars, just remember you get what you pay for" What if I want a better policy you ask, and he says you can buy as many as you want and they combine to get better the more you have You currently have (print: $policies.toFixed(0)) policies (if: $money >= 8)[1: "I (link:"would")[(set: $policies to ($policies + 1))(set: $money to ($money - 8))(goto: "shop")] like to buy one life insurance please"<br>2: "I might buy (if: $policies >= 1)[another] one [[later|shop]] but not now thanks,"](if: $money < 8)[[["Too rich for my blood"|shop]]]

good luck getting that money back chump says Eugene the squirrel landlord

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You are a millionaire now. You have one million dollars.

You buy one of the tarts and in a ghastly display of your disdain for the lower classes and in an effort to proclaim to the old man your opulent lifestyle you throw the tart to the floor where it goes 'splut' and is ruined. The old man is sad and it's all your fault. You feel either crestfallen or extremely smug depending on your evilness level --- Paragon: [[comfort old man|comfort paragon]] Neutral: [[comfort old man|comfort neutral]] Renegade: [[comfort old man|comfort renegade]]

You take the tart and eat it and it's delicious. You give the old man a warm hug and thank him for kindly taking your money to give you a bit of pastry that you just ate. He's probably uncomfortable with your extreme friendliness but you're so friendly you can't tell when your friendliness upsets people so you pat him on the head and skip away merrily to your [[friendship castle]].

You buy and eat the tart. "Pleazure doin' Biz-ness witch'a, oh ho ho ho" the old man says, and retreats into a different colored [[cloud|Chalk Dust]].

You don't have the slightest clue what came over you. You spend the next five hours groveling on your knees apologizing to the old man for your uncharacteristic callousness, and then you go to the store and use all your money to buy him gift after gift in a desperate plea for his good graces. Not the money that you're using in the game though, your actual money you got from being a distinguished space captain. He never forgives you and disappears into a cloud of weird [[red]] smoke.

You clobber the old man senseless and steal the rest of his tarts. Then you pawn the tarts off at the pawn bakery for a hefty sum of $100 that you'll probably end up using on something evil like buying amazon stock or bribing a politician. Evil has its rewards, you think to yourself. (link:"It's Good to Be Evil.")[(set: $money to ($money + 100))(goto: 'evil lair')]

You do this sometimes. You say sorry and the old man dissapears in a cloud of mildly annoyed [[yellow]] smoke that smells of [[rotten eggs]].

Double-click this passage to edit it.